The Misadventures of--- this title is gonna be long
by Mark-Kris Robin Lancer
Summary: What happens if you and an internet friend that you've never met face-to-face before suddenly turn into the carbon copies of a famous Hero-King and another not-so-famous-but-still-kinda-is Emporer and get shoved into the Fire Emblem worlds? Prison time. Duh. You thought this was gonna be funny business? (Crack!fic, please don't take this seriously.)
1. Chappie 1

It is in this sad and cruel world that we call "Earth" we find a single girl, groaning around in such fierce mental pain that she was about to use the pencil she was holding onto as a means to stab herself in the neck and spare herself from anymore humiliation, ugliness, perfectionism, and unnecessary stress.

Yes, that pathetic girl is me.

Instead of doing such, I opted to grab my phone and upon up a certain, strange, but mysteriously addicting app called "kik" (where I've been always afraid of being verbally sexually harassed ever since it has actually been done to me in real life—I wish I was kidding about that last part) contacted an internet friend, **ERROR ERROR CANNOT READ DATA SYSTEM REBOOT IN 3 2 1**, and rant out with my one infamous phrase:

"_UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!"_

_"What now?"_

_"WHY CAN'T I DO THIS?!"_

_"You're hopeless."_

_"Wow, thanks for the support."_  
_..._  
_..._  
_..._  
_"Hello? Okay, DIS AIN'T FUNNY ANYMORE."_

Sighing yet once again, I turned dejectedly back to THE DEVIL'S SPAWN: an attempt of a crossover drawing between Marth from Fire Emblem and Gundam 00.

Hooray for impossible-to-draw mobile suits.

I tried to do one more stroke of the folds on the tight uniform, then threw my pencil towards the couch at the other side of the room, slumped down, and groaned out a huge, loud, and very frustrated "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!"

Meanwhile, in the background, my mom yells at me for acting so unaccordingly, if that's a word.

Stupid perfectionism getting in the way of my naive 14-year-old-created artwork. If anybody knows how to permanently get rid of it, you are more than welcome to contact one of my three Instagrams.

Yes, I use Instagram like a freaking demented _Homo Sapien._ Whoopidee-flippin'-doo.

It was an honestly boring, lazy summer day. I've already ran around the 4.3 mile-long lake and jump-roped. What else does my mom want me to do, start whipping out some dance-moves? I could always just start taking my much-wanted fencing classes but OH NO MAH BOI she just pushes me into the local gym's treadmill.

Yeah, I have an exercise problem. I'm fat and lazy. Get over it. Good-bye.

I closed my eyes. Maybe a nap could do me some good...

* * *

I woke up due to the abnormal brightness to the... room? This is no room...

I slowly sat back up to a proper position, then groaned in pain as my back was aching. At this rate, I'd be the Hunchback of Notre Dame in my twenties.

"Who the HECK are YOU?!"

I blinked open my eyes and stared at the guy in front of me. He had blonde hair and looked kinda dopey and Caucasian... actually, what right do I, a freaking fugly-looking Asian girl, have to call him that in my mind? Bad me!

"Uh... the face of death and evil?" Something was telling me that I should know this guy...

"Wait... you sound familiar..."

"Don't even try hitting on me. I'm already taken."

"N-no! I mean..."

"Please tell me this is a really weird and absolutely crazy lucid dream..."

He slapped me on the face.

"Hey!"

"Marth?!"

Wait... I do know this guy! "Dane? Dane, right? Please call me Kris. Calling me "Marth" is kinda awkward, y'know?"

"Gotchya."

I stood up and realized that... I am shorter than my guy friend YET AGAIN. "Noooooooooooooooooo..."

"Yes?"

"No."

"Okay.

The two of us stood in an awkward silence before we looked around in our setting, which was—oh, come on, the white room from Assassin's Creed?! Someone's gonna get sued for this, and it isn't gonna be me!

"Okay. I'm done. I'm done. I'm SO. FREAKING. DONE." I threw my hands up into the sky and walked away into some random direction. "Please tell me it's a dream, please tell me it's a dream, please tell me it's a frackin' stupid dream..."

"No, it's not!" Dane called out after me.

"Yeah, sure, like you would know!" I retorted back—

Darkness.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Please don't kill me.**

**I'm pretty busy nowadays. For the full list... solo ensemble, UIL, spring concert, recruitment tour, high school course selection, church schtuffies, convincing my parents to let me take fencing lessons, Fire Emblem fan anime, my SCP reading marathon, etc...**

**Also, I entered regionals for my National History Day Project! YAY! Although,I don't think I really deserved it because i just rushed through thing, from scratch to finish, within twenty-four hours. There were probably a bunch more that deserved to pass on instead of me...**

**I also made an "unofficial" SCP-X-over-with-everything-fictional on Wattpad so you can read it if you want to.**


	2. Chappie 2

"Marth, what the heck are you doing here?!"

"Don't ask me," I replied as snarkily as I could and rubbed my eyes, starting to wake up slowly... wait. Since when DID I fall asleep— oh, right, got knocked out. Gotchya.

But still... Something felt... different. Somehow. I dunno why.

Did my mind already established that this wasn't a dream anymore and started emitting some sort of anti-reactant hormones? Because, for some inexplicable reason, I'm not freaking out when I saw a lot of trees, like we're in a woods or forest or something— WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA PAUSE INSERT SKIDDING NOISE—

"SELIPH?!"

"What the heck are you talking about?!" The prince of Chalphy called out.

"YOU! SELIPH! DUH!" And then my brain chose this moment to realize just how bad I was making the situation. "I-I mean... uh..."

"I'm not Seliph, if that's what you're asking! And how would YOU know about Seliph, huh?"

"Because... wait, huh?!" Okay, I am now thoroughly confused. WHAT. THE FLIPPIN'. FUDGE. CAKES. IS. GOING. ON. "How are you not Seliph? You look exactly as how he would look like—"

"Okay, at this point, you can't possibly be Marth, seeing that he would not know about Seliph AT. ALL." He threw up his hands towards the sky and began to walk away.

"Well, of course I'm not Marth! Isn't that obvious enough?! For one, I have black hair and he has blue..." I looked at my really short _blue _hair. "Hair..." I trailed off. "Okay, what is going on?"

"I don't know, you tell me!" Seliph yelled back at me.

Was he ever known for screaming, anyways? Huh.

"Wait. What's your name, and what grade-level are you in?"

"I'm Dane, and I'm going to be a freshman. Where are you going off with this?"

Oh, dear Lord, this is NOT going to go well.

"Dane, I'm known to you as Kris, and I'm going to be a freshman as well this fall. Does this clarify anything?"

Seliph—AHEM Dane blinked slowly at me before finally replying, "No wonder my head feels heavier."

I groaned and was about to throw my hands up into the sky in exasperation when I abruptly stopped. "Wait... if I'm Marth... does that..." I had no idea if I was blushing or not, but within the next two seconds I kicked Dane out of the general area and checked myself to see... yeah...

Oh no...

"GOD FREAKING DANGIT WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO MEEEEEEEE?!" I yelled out loud into the sky, then slumped down and laid into a fetal position, hugging my knees.

Dane peeked out from behind the tree, and seeing that I was decent, walked over. "Yeah?"

"So?" I mumbled dejectedly.

"News?"

"I am officially a man. A fourteen-year-old male."

"Crap."

"You don't say?" I sighed. "Well? Who's gonna get out there and find out what's going on with the world? Actually, you do it. You're less-known." I nodded towards his rapier. "Use that rapier of yours to cut your hair or something, take off the fancy stuff, and I _think _you'll be fine."

"Huh. Good point. What's the shopping list?"

"'Normal' clothes for the two of us and cloaks, a razor to cut our hair, just secretly sell the fancy-schamncy stuff or something, I don't know... the remaining money can be used for a meal and how many rooms in an inn we can afford. That is, if we even have money on ourselves..."

Dane dug into his pockets and came back out with a very full-looking pouch of coins. "I have a fat wallet. You?"

I searched my pocket for money as well, and to my luck, I had a fat wallet as well. "I have some too." I began taking off my armor, cape, and tiara, and gave it to my partner-in-crime. If this was a crime. I think it's not, but it still sounds cool anyways, so shaddup!

"Wait, why am I doing this again?!"

"Because I said so. Now, go!" And to emphasis that fact, I climbed up a tree and childishly stuck out a tongue at him. Dane glared at me, then sighed and walked away towards the town.

After an hour of so of boredom, he came back with still a full pouch and the required materials. "Yes!" I jumped back down and immediately grabbed the clothes, changing out into them within a minute. Dane simply looked at me with astonishment. "What..." He shrugged and did the same.

The next order of business was to cut our hair using the razor. Yes, I am going to cut my hair. Not like I object; my old hair was even shorter than Marth's hair, not to mention its more predominant masculinity.

I let Dane use the razor first. It was easy enough for him, just cutting off his ponytail... until it got to his bangs. And side-burns thingies. He absolutely refused to cut them.

I let him. It would be funny to see him walking around looking idiotic.

I carefully trimmed my hair to the right length, then handed the razor back to Dane. "Alright. Set to go?"

He responded by throwing a cloak at my face. "Here. Now, let's go and sleep and figure out everything in the morning. I don't look too much exactly like Seliph, but dang... even with your, ahem, _haircut,_ you still look like Marth's twin."

"Ha. Ha ha ha," I sarcastically replied, putting the cloak on and draping the hood over my head.. "As if I wouldn't know."

We moved swiftly and quietly through the town, dodging any contact with people until we reached our rooms. "Thanks, Dane. Good night."

And with that, I closed the door.

And that was our first day.

* * *

**A/N:**

**I can't live this lie anymore.**

**ISHIPMARTHCESTLIKEMARTHXMARTHMARTHSELFCESTKBYE**


	3. Chappie 3

The next morning consisted of looking around the small town, with Dane going off to buy some weapons and armor for us while I decided to imitate Assassin's Creed (please world, don't sue me) and listen in to people and read the news or something to figure out when and where we are.

I sat down on a bench, listening in to the conversations happening around me. The talk was mostly about a war of some sort, battles, skirmishes that hit too close to home, bandits who took advantage of the continental chaos to wreck their own chaos upon helpless villages.

The latter was the most popular subject. Go figure.

But as for where we were? Somewhere in the edges of , half a day from the coast of Akaneia facing Talys...

Whoopidee-flippin'-doo.

"Hey, Kris. Got an iron sword and some armor for you." I looked up to see Dane passing a generic-looking sword at me. Smiling, I took it, with the scabbard, and strapped it on. Then, I took my new armor and followed him back to the inn, and into his temporary room before closing the door.

I started putting on my armor before stopping half-way through, asking nobody in particular, "How _do _you exactly put on armor correctly?"

Dane shrugged. "Do what feels natural?" He offered before returning to strapping his gauntlets on. Sighing, I continued with my leather chestplate. I had specifically requested for light armor that won't get in the way of battling with speed and agility. This _is _Marth's body after all, and unlike my old one where it's all power, he's kinda more on the... lean-bishie-hot-anime-boy perfectioness.

Dang it why...

As for Dane, he wore simple white and blue armor that would defend well enough against major blows while fighting with heavier attacks. He insisted on it. I'm not gonna get in his way for that.

And of course, right when I was done, bells started ringing out, and I don't mean like Catholic mass bells or school bells — I mean bandit raid bells!

Picking up my iron sword, I swung the door open. "Dane! You coming with or naw?"

"You'll die without me!" Dane replied before sprinting past me into the slightly terrifying outside world.

Already, it was mostly chaotic in a panicky sort of way. The two of us pushed trough the waves of fleeing bodies, advancing towards the center and origin of it all. We knew we were close when we saw a corpse lying on the side, shoved haphazardly by the retreating, defenseless masses.

"Crab cakes..." I muttered, them mumbled a prayer and a "Godspeed" before moving along. Dane looked at where I looked and scrunched up his eyebrows as his mouth twisted into a frown. "Brutal. Like you at your worst."

"Right now isn't the time for jokes!"

"Sorry."

I didn't care to register his last word and continued onwards, finally ducking behind a building and peering out from the side. "By the way, aren't we supposed to run _away _from danger and not the other way around?" He asked, holding onto the iron sword sheathed by his side.

I decided not to answer for a good long while before finally, softly replying, "I just want to see."

"Huh?"

"I just want to see how bad it is. After that, we can leave. You can leave now, actually, If you want to."

Dane simply shot me a look as if—"Are you freaking insane?"

"For what?"

He smirked. "Gosh, I don't want to leave you lonelier than your love life!" Oh, ouch. That... that really hurt.

The worst part is, I can't even come up with a half-way decent come-back.

I ran from where we are to another building, Dan quickly following after me. This continued for a good, long while until we were close enough to see the main carnage.

And none of it was pretty. In fact, I should probably spare my mind of the details because... well...

Dead bodies, everywhere, the civilian and militia ones numbering at a larger percentage than the bandit ones.

"Hello there, young'uns. Shame you're out here... eh?" A malicious voice spoke behind us.

So I did what was only natural for a confused, emotionally-wound-up physically-male-but-mentally-female to do.

I whipped around and slapped him on the face. "Dude, that is SO. NOT. FREAKING. COOL. Only I, I, ME! ME! Only I have the freaking honor to scare the heck outta people, you got that you sonovacravenouswhore?!"

"Bitch!"

"Cliche'd bastard of a... actually, why am I doing thi- DANE, WATCH THE ARM!" Having enough of our extremely short insult-lashing, he grabbed onto my arm and tried to run away.

Emphasis on the _tried_, excuse me.

Before the ax could hit his head, I used my sword to block it. However, I couldn't muster up enough strength to do as much, so the path was diverted to my arm, producing a hugs, crimson-red gash. Ooh, first blood. Unfortunately, it was mine. Yelling out a bit in pain, I doubled back as I switched positions with Dane, who now had a sword up and pointed at the bandit. "You, forget this happened and let us run away, and we won't kill you."

The bandit laughed at us. "No deal! Go poking around in what's not your business, and this is what you get!" Another ax swing, apparently. Dane rolled to the side to avoid it as I took out a knife that I bought earlier, sneaking around him until I knew I had a clear chance to get at his back. Dang, Dane must have been good a dodgeball.

But did I really need to do this? To kill another person?

My hesitation almost killed me when he turned around and smacked my face with the blunt end of his ax, which really, REALLY hurt! Freaking...

I managed to hold on to my knife and run away from his attacks. Right when he was about to prepare another swing, he just stopped. Right there.

He fell over to his side and a Dane with a bloody sword and wide, unbelieving eyes stood in his wake. I put away my knife and tugged on Dane's cape. "Come on. We gotta run." He didn't respond.

Sighing, I kicked his butt. Literally.

He yowled in pain and glared at me. "Kri-"

"Save it for later. We're running." I grabbed his hand and ran from the carnage, away from the fact that I almost killed another living, breathing human and that Dane actually _did_ kill someone, even though we both knew it will come back and bite us in the arse later on.

Whoopidee.

Flippin'.

Doo.

* * *

Gunlord500: Thank... you...?

* * *

**A/N: Second edition of my birthday pack. Whee.**


End file.
